Accepting What IS To Facilitate Change
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“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Say you’re running and you think, ‘Man, this hurts,I can’t take it anymore. The ‘hurt’ part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand anymore is up to the runner himself” — Haruki Murakami
At some point in our lives, we will all be faced with hardship. It is inevitable. Be that 5 years deep into a career path you realise is not fulfilling you anymore, 6 months into a relationship and being broken up with, or going through mental health struggles. At some point, you will experience pain in one form or another. As inevitable as pain is, however, how you choose to approach that pain is critical in determining your future experience.
Many of us turn to resistance as our first course of action. We blame ourselves or the other person for hurting us. How could we allow ourselves to end up here? How could someone else treat us like that? Why me? Why this life?. The ways in which we reject our realities come in many forms but all come down to a denial of our present moment. That is where our pain becomes our suffering, in resistance to our reality.
Denial Of The Now
Whilst resistance to our reality is good in showing us that we do not agree with a certain situation and wish it were different, this can not be a long-term state of mind. Resistance to your reality will keep you stuck. As renowned Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung says;
“What you resist persists” — Carl Jung
This is completely true. In resisting your experience, all that you are doing is prolonging the pain that is associated with it and in turn, causing yourself suffering. Let us look at 3 examples where resistance can show up.
1) You can not accept that your partner cheated on you and decided to leave you, so you ruminate endlessly on how it made you feel. Feelings such as anger and grief are fueled by your thoughts as you re-live the trauma over and over in your mind. You begin to wonder why you have remained in a state of pain for so long, despite the fact they have moved on. Little do you know your resistance is keeping the pain alive and well and preventing you from healing.
2) You hate the job you are in. You spend each morning waking up cursing the fact you have to spend 8 hours of your precious day spent in a place you loath. You spend the entire day in a bad mood as you curse every mundane task that is assigned to you. You wish you could change your situation, but you know it would take time to pursue the thing you truly want. Each day, your resistance to your reality is stopping you from making the change you want.
3) You suffer from anxiety and depression. You are finding yourself in a struggle each day resisting the fact you were plagued with mental health problems and wish that your life were different. Your attachment to the pain and resistance to your mental state is now causing you suffering. Not only are you dealing with depression and anxiety but also anguish and frustration over that being your reality. It is difficult to move through these mental states when you are in denial that they are there in the first place.
I will re-iterate, resistance will keep you stuck. You will find it incredibly difficult to move forward if you are in denial of what has or is happening to you. How can you create the reality you want when you are busy resisting the one you are in now? Acceptance is the first step to freedom. Now let us look at what acceptance is and is not.
Accepting What IS
People assume that acceptance means to agree with what has happened or is happening to you but agreement and acceptance are two separate concepts. To accept what has happened to you, you do not have to like the trauma you have been through. I can not make you love you the job you hate, like the fact someone hurt you, or enjoy the fact you suffer from anxiety. That would be impossible. This practice of acceptance involves accepting your reality for what it is.
There are some things in life we just can not control. We actually have very little control over anything that is not ourselves and even then, unconscious beliefs can often drive us into behaviors that, in hindsight, we might not agree with -and that is okay too -. Either way, things will happen, people will treat you badly, you will make mistakes and fate may have its way with you but in those moments, all you have true control over is how you choose to deal with it. Accept it for what it is or resist it?
Sometimes we avoid acceptance because that means facing the reality of our situation and that can be painful. You wish to not accept the fact someone betrayed you because that would mean facing the difficult emotions that may show up. Acceptance does not save you from facing pain but it does stop you from facing long-term suffering. In acceptance, you are able to face your pain, find ways to manage it, and eventually move through it. Resistance is like adding gasoline to a fire. Maintain resistance and the fire will burn on. Practice acceptance and the fire dies out.
Acceptance Facilitates Change
Acceptance frees you up. The energy that would otherwise be spent ruminating and mulling over your denial of the present can be spent on how you can move forward to the place you wish to be. For example,
1) You accept that you were betrayed and you face the pain of your betrayal. Whilst difficult to face, in accepting what has happened, you can now focus on rehabilitation. Damaged self-esteem can be worked on, awareness can be brought to identifying bad patterns of behavior and you begin to develop an awareness of red flags in partners so that you are better equipped for your next relationship. You begin rebuilding yourself so that you are able to thrive independently with the prospect of future relationships. Resistance does not allow that process. How can you repair your self-esteem if you are constantly ruminating over how it was damaged?
2) You stop beating yourself up for not knowing any better and pursuing your dream earlier. You start accepting that this is just how things have turned out. From there your resistance can now be used to productively pursue the path you want. Instead of feeling exhausted at the end of your working day, you can now go home and work on a project that will change your current circumstances.
3) In accepting your mental health issues for what they are you can begin separating yourself from someone who is strongly identified with being an anxious or depressed individual and start moving forward. You research neurology, biology, and self-help techniques to begin conquering your fears. You can self-inquire into why you are not satisfied with your life and why you are where you are with the intent to then begin building the life you want. In conquering your fears and building the life you want, you begin to separate yourself from your previous identities and become healthier in your mind. Inadvertently, through your previous resistance, you were keeping yourself tied to your past identity.
Change Is Not Easy
I sympathise with those of you who relate to any of the 3 examples I have given -or any other pain you are experiencing- and stress that despite how easy it is for me to write, acceptance is not easy to do, nor is changing a situation that is causing you pain. However, resistance will only cause you more suffering than otherwise will be found through acceptance.
Acceptance is a difficult thing to practice. Change is also difficult because change brings with it the challenge of uncertainty and detachment from past identities. Sometimes it is easier to be a victim and remain at the mercy of your mental health issue than to begin building yourself up. Sometimes there is a level of responsibility that can be found in our acceptance that we are unwilling to face up to. It can even be comfortable to remain in resistance because that may be all you have ever known. Humans are evolutionarily wary of change but if you are unhappy with your current circumstances, surely it is worth letting go of your pain and moving forward?
Acceptance is your first step to doing just that.
Closing Thoughts
There came a point in my battle with anxiety where I had to hold my hands up and say this is where I am. Maybe I helped create my anxiety through avoidance behaviors but it is clear to me I lacked the knowledge and emotional capacity at the time to challenge them. I have compassion for past me and I accept that there were choices I made that did not help my current circumstances. In accepting that was my reality -whether I perpetuated it or not -, I was then able to begin moving forward. I educated myself on anxiety, psychology, and where my anxiety stemmed from. In doing so I was able to begin challenging myself and eventually create distance between me and that identity.
I still have tethers to my old identity but each day they become weaker. I have to maintain a constant state of acceptance with the process in order to continue moving forward. Some days I may be more resistant than others, -and that is okay- however, I make sure those moments are few and far between. I hope you do too.
Have a great week.
