Avoid Attractions of Deprivation at All Costs

Joe Gibson, Above The Middle
7 min readMar 12, 2021

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Ken Page, the writer of Deeper Dating, talks about two different attractions that lead us down two very different routes; Attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration. Being able to differentiate between the two is essential because whilst one is incredibly passionate, intense, and inevitably addictive, the other will lead you to the long-lasting love you so deeply desire. As Ken Page says;

“Learn how to recognize the difference between your attractions of deprivation and your attractions of inspiration, which is not always so easy to do. And then, only, only pursue your attractions of inspiration” — Ken Page

So what is up with these attractions of deprivation? Why is it so important we recognize what they are and why is it important that we ultimately stay away from them? Let us start with what these dynamics look like to us.

Chasing The “Almost People”

As Ken Page says, these people are the “almost people”, they are the people in our lives who can give us something but not enough to give us what we truly want. They are unwilling to commit, unwilling to show up in the way that we want them to but are showing up just enough to keep us wanting more. Sound familiar? Like that person you were seeing who was not 100% all-in and yet you went crazy for them? That is an attraction of deprivation.

Now let us look at why these attractions are so damn addictive. What is it about them that drives us so crazy? Why do we pursue them even though we know deep down there is a lacking on their part? Because of just that, their lack. Their mixed signals and their unwillingness to show up how we want plays straight into our primal lizard brains.

The Problems Start with Our Reward System

The unavailability of our interests hijacks a brain area that when dysregulated, creates an unhealthy craving for attention and reward. That area is our reward system — or our limbic system -. Essentially this area of the brain is designed to remember the things that make you feel good so that you do them again.

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Joe Gibson, Above The Middle

Your path to authentic love and secure relationships starts here. Above The Middle, a blog by me, Joe Gibson.