My Disorganised Attachment Style
One of my biggest “AHA” moments came upon realising I have a disorganised attachment style. Bringing awareness to anything is the first major step to change and I just could not understand why I was acting the way I was in regards to certain relationships. I was co-currently being freaked out by the possibility of letting someone close whilst equally freaking out when I inevitably pushed them away. Turns out there is a reason for that.
The Four Attachment Styles
Psychology describes 4 distinct attachment styles in relationships. Formed out of your childhood experiences, these 4 styles are fairly good predictors of how individuals behave while in partnerships. These include the secure attachment and the 3 insecure attachments; anxious, avoidant and disorganised. Disorganised is classed as the rarest of the 3 and most extreme because it is basically a mix between anxious AND avoidance. It is a double whammy of trouble.
People with a disorganised attachment style will usually find themselves fearing intimacy but ultimately wanting the deeper connection they are single-handedly self-sabotaging for themselves. I am no stranger to doing this. In my experience, unknowingly whilst in new relationships, I have felt intense anxiety over letting someone close. My main issue stemmed from believing I would potential hurt my partner if I was to let them close. Interestingly enough, I was creating my own self-fulfilling prophecy because my anxiety would inevitably drive me into destructive behaviours that DID end up hurting my love-interests. Isn’t that a juxtaposition?
The Origin of a Disorganised Attachment
Psychologist point towards childhood trauma as the main source of a disorganised attachment style. Mistrust in our caregivers and their reactions to our needs creates an inability to trust our love interests. Ultimately, just like the child who wants to be accepted, we inevitably crave a connection with our partners.
Due to not having a securely modelled attachment style as a child, those with this attachment style are also unequipped to deal with the waves of emotions that come with relationships leaving them unpredictable and at the mercy of their anxiety when it shows up. I would push people away only to pull them back once the anxieties relating to my fear of intimacy had been replaced by deep sadness over the loss of connection I truly wanted. Of course, as soon as I had pulled them in again, the anxieties would return and the cycle would continue.
It can be an extremely stressful situation to be in. I actively avoided my latest interest because whilst unaware of what my attachment style was, I was well aware of how confusing and stressful dating could be for me. Of course, I inevitably began dating said individual — people with this attachment style will seek out relationships because of their desire for connection — and found myself in this cycle again. Thankfully I had been doing work on myself long enough to inquire into my behaviours and finally come to the realisation I was actually dealing with a particular attachment style.
Attachment Styles Can Be Changed
As I said at the beginning, awareness is the key to change. The moment I was able to identify why I was carrying out a specific behavior, I was given a choice. I had been facing my anxieties long enough by this point to be able to face this particular anxiety — fear of intimacy — head on and make the commitment to myself that I would pursue this connection despite my inner world telling me to push away. It was extremely uncomfortable to sit in those feelings and for many nights I would go to sleep with my heart aching over the discomfort I was feeling stepping into territory the child in me feared.
Too Little Too Late
Unfortunately, my epiphany came too late and my destructive behaviours as a result of my previous confusions had already severed the opportunity at this particular connection. It was a painful truth to look at but one I am ultimately grateful for. This experience shone light on a set of behaviours whos origins I was oblivious too and in future scenarios, I now know what I must do and what I must not. That is to pursue connection in light of my fears in order to reprogram a brain which still believes the little boy must fear connection.
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