Part of Your Anxiety Issues Is Your Need for Control so Let It Go

Everything in life is uncertain, the sooner you come to terms with that, the better.

It was a hard day when I took a look at the way I had been thinking/acting and realised that a big component of my anxiety was my need for control. I believe this is likely true for you — hear me out -.

You see, a hallmark of anxiety is a low capacity for discomfort. This lack of tolerance drives anxiety-like behaviors as we attempt to bring ourselves back to an emotional equilibrium. We engage in avoidance behaviors or carry out other unhealthy habits in an attempt to calm ourselves and rectify our situations.

How does this play into control?

All behaviors designed to relieve our anxiety are an attempt for us to regain control of our minds.

When it comes to anxiety, we have very little control over when and how it shows up. After all, anxiety originates in an area of our brain which will react to our experiences automatically with or without our desire. Of course, if we could control our anxieties I’m sure many of us would chose to never have them — but back to the main point-. Anxiety is out of our control and when it shows up, many of us are going to try and regain control by doing whatever we think is best in the moment to get rid of it.

This is bad for two reasons.

1. As I said before, you are trying to control something you do not have any control over. Anxiety will show up when and how it wants to. You can not stop that.

2. Your need for control is only making your anxiety worse.

Each time you engage in control seeking behaviors you are telling yourself that there is something to worry about, that there is an issue and that there is a need for you to avoid or behave however you want to behave when anxiety comes up. This is an issue because the next time you find yourself in a similar situation your brain is going to think “Oh look, they panicked last time they were in this situation so this must be a real threat” and your anxiety is going to flare up again. It is a negative feedback loop. Your need to try and control the situation is actually just making it worse. Way worse.

So what do we have to do?

You have to get comfortable with not being in control. You have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It is the only way. I never achieved any of the big goals I reached this past year through trying to control my anxiety. I acknowledged it when it came up, I saw it for what it was and I sat with it. I relinquished my need to control it. The moment I did that, it all changed. No longer was I reinforcing this belief that my anxiety was bad and something I had to desperately get rid of. I instead saw it as something I had little control over and if it was going to show up then so be it, I will work my way through it. You can not bypass your anxiety. Not if you want to reach your goals and overcome. You have to go through it. You do that by surrendering your need for control. Ironically, you begin to feel more in control by not trying to control it. Weird right?

That is not to say it is an easy thing to do. Inevitably you are trying to control your anxiety because it can be very uncomfortable. After all, the whole point of anxiety evolutionarily speaking was to stop you from doing something or to run away. Courage is what you require to sit in your fears but courage is something you can build. Small steps and small improvements over time will make a big difference. James Clear who writes Atomic habits talks about how essential small steps are in forming new behaviors;

Rather than trying to do something amazing from the beginning, start small and gradually improve. Along the way, your willpower and motivation will increase, which will make it easier to stick to your habit for good

What we are doing here is building a new habit around sitting in uncertainty and if I can do it, trust me you can. Willpower and courage are like muscles and the more you practice, the stronger they become and easier it will be for you to lift the weight of your discomfort. Of course, go for the big goal too early and you risk tearing the muscle so start small and build from there.

Because lets face it, life is full of uncertainty. Nothing is for certain. Our desperate need to control everything around us as well as our minds just adds unnecessary resistance that ultimately just makes our reality all the more challenging. So let it go.